“现代生活”专栏

打网球——”me time”

你或许会觉得,我是在充分享受了精彩的职业生涯之后才有的孩子,所以我对女人的过度疲惫病有了免疫能力。可是,两次生产之后,我都因过度劳累而精神恍惚。而将我从这状态中唤醒的正是我的婆婆伦尼(Lennie)。

有一天她看到我疲惫不堪、面容憔悴,就劝我创造一些专属自己的时间。她赶我去打网球。最初是Dave带我开始打网球,而现在我打网球已经很有规律。这个月,我参加了美国网球协会的成年网球队。

虽然我打的是最低级别(3.0), 但是我非常认真地采纳了别人给我的建议,就是无论能力如何,都要在着装上用气势压倒对方,因为网球更是一场心理战。这是我最喜欢的一身霸气外露的战袍,光亮的黑色让我充满了力量,我甚至觉得我赛后应该去一场鸡尾酒会呢。

打网球让我感到健康又强壮,我爱这种感觉。

不一般的婆婆

伦尼在我的生命中扮演着特殊的角色。在这一点上我觉得自己特别幸运,因为在我跟Dave结婚的时候,他的父母不止把我当做一个儿媳来接纳,更是把我当做了一个女人。

Dave的妈妈伦尼本身就完美结合了公众领袖、教师、知识分子和母亲的多重角色,并且一直在如何处理好各种角色的关系方面给我提供建议。现在她七十多岁了,仍然每天锻炼,并且是一个超棒的网球选手。我希望将来能赢她一局,不过我不觉得这一天会很快到来。

如你所见,伦尼并不是个一般的婆婆。毕竟对很多已婚的女人来说,要我们放弃梦想的压力并非来自妈妈,而是来自婆婆。很多婆婆要求我们舍弃自我,把生命献给照顾她们的儿子和孙子的事业当中。

当我们将生活建立在过度消耗自己、为了他人牺牲自我需要的基础上,我们的生活将不可避免地充满疲惫、挫折和失败感。这实在是让人非常沮丧的一件事情——那么多女人活在破碎的生活中,只是因为她们一生都致力于成为这个社会一直要把我们训练成为的:好女人。

你知道那些过分付出的女人吗?

格洛丽亚斯泰纳姆的书《六、七十岁的那些事》(Doing Sixty and Seventy)中的话让我颇受震动:

我尚未遇到一个能够完全摆脱衍生方式而生活的女人,也就是说,一个更多依靠自我意识而不是他人意识而生活的人。当我们拒绝再为家庭的幸福负过多责任的时候,我们仍会对工作负过多的责任;当我们不再把自尊移植到丈夫或者孩子身上,我们仍然过于依赖被需要的感觉——被同事和老板需要,被情人和朋友需要,甚至被那些恰恰要将我们从这一切当中解放出来的(政治)活动所需要。

当我第一次看到这段话的时候,我非常惊讶:天啊!连我们的女权主义先锋们都在为过度付出而挣扎!

善待别人,也要善待自己

每当回想过去,我发现每次当我感到失落或挣扎,都是我把自我放在一边、去满足别人期望的时候——期望可以来自父母、男友和自己服务的公司。我们每个人都可以从在善待别人的同时善待自己开始,关心自己。

这个要求高吗?

四十多岁的好处是,我给我自己权利去无视一切规则。我不再尝试去取悦每一个人,而是开始专注于我所爱的人。我为别人努力工作。打网球是我的独享时光。而自己独享的时光才是我们每个人想要的。

 

听万达娱乐主管,万达娱乐主管QQ用英文朗读这篇博文,请到Global Rencai的iTunes主页上订阅,收听及下载,请点击这里。阅读此博文英文链接,请点击这里。发表评论,请用中文。

Discussion

6 Responses to “打网球——”me time””

  1. 很谢谢Joy的这篇文章,善待自己!今年是我最忙的一年,一份志愿者,两份part-time,上课,七八个考试~还要不断地提高自己的英文~以为自己是超人,想挑战自己的极限,所以每天跑东跑西~结果,到了五月开头了,觉得全身的力量都被榨干了,哪也不想去了~每天如果能呆在家里好好听一首歌,做一顿饭,就是最大的幸福了~有时候真的不知道怎么才能平衡每一件事情~现在有些开窍,不知道这样的想法是不是正确:志愿者如果不能去做也不需要觉得愧疚,因为自己的事情都没有办法顾及到,还谈什么帮助别人?

    Posted by Shulong | 2012-05-03, 08:49
  2. 惊喜的发现边看博文边听朗读是个学习英文超级完美的一个好办法,朗读博客的音频要是能下载就好了。

    Posted by italy | 2012-05-03, 22:39
  3. 很喜欢听你朗读博文,但是很遗憾音频下载链接打不开,不知道何时可以修复?谢谢!

    Posted by April | 2012-05-15, 21:07
  4. I’m just a tad curious about why you chose to use “THEIR sons and grandchildren” instead of simply instead of simply recognizing that they’re requesting that you sacrifice yourself for “[our] husband and children”

    By using “their sons and grandchildren” I felt that there was an attempt to create a source of disassociation from the fact that we do have a duty to these people. Not necessarily one that requires us to give up our lives and wait on them hand and foot, but simply that we have a duty to our husband, we have a duty to our children, just as they do to us.

    I felt that by using “their” and creating a certain disassociation (perhaps unintentionally), you didn’t give sufficient consideration to the fact that there are sacrifices to be made for these people. It doesn’t have to be big give-up-my-life-for-you sacrifices, but there are definitely small sacrifices to be made.

    Had you used “our” instead and still managed to reason it such that the one reading it does not feel like they are guilty of neglecting a duty of some sort (which you probably could have), I would have been much more convinced by it.

    I love reading your posts because they provide brainworm and a lot of things to think about. But I’m constantly left feeling a little unfulfilled, because while I agree with your philosophy of life and how a woman should be, somehow your reasoning (in other posts as well) doesn’t justify it soundly.

    Posted by Shi | 2012-06-27, 23:43
  5. Hi Shi, I totally understand why Joy use “their sons & grandchildren” here. I don’t know if this is same situation in US. But in China, mother-in-law really has very strongh thought that daughter-in-law is kind of “tool” to help her son’s family to grow up. So you should understand the difference between “daughter” and “daughter-in-law” in Chinese mother-in-law’s eyes. From their point of view, Joy use “their son” to distinguish “their daughter-in-law” ‘s interest. Very exact description. At least from my understanding. Of course wife has some responsibility to her husband. But main pressure is not from husband. It is from mother-in-law. Normally mothers-in-law have more requirements on these women than women’s husbands do. and mothers-in-law strengthen sons’ unreasonable requirements when it comes to how much wives should contribute to family.

    Posted by Vivian | 2012-08-12, 05:00

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